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looks fun
looks fun
Joke..
LIZARD BIRTHING
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. " She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard
to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the
sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced, "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's
breech," my
wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back
to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a
magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,
you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," I said.
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. All the time
she was thinking:
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs ..
LIZARD BIRTHING
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. " She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard
to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the
sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced, "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's
breech," my
wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back
to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a
magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,
you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," I said.
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. All the time
she was thinking:
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs ..
I learned two things from watching this vid... Kwame Harris really sucks (I mean REALLY sucks)and some bitter 49er fans have way too much time on their hands...
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997
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997
I cant believe this.. warning.. the N word is used
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there's a reason they say not to attempt any of the stunts they perform :injured:Brian said:
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One of my favorites from the best show ever.
One of my favorites from the best show ever.
yeah, but as funny as this...KamikaZ said:
explicit language, it is south park you know.
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my all-time favorite episode.
man what a freak.
although that chick with the glasses wasn't too bad.
although that chick with the glasses wasn't too bad.
Facts of Life and Charles in Charge, Scrubs style
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