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The pole , the turtle shell , M.C Hammer and the head butt to that dude who fell in the suite had me in tears
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World War II for the Internet Generation.
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pulp muppets
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Since there's no thread for "depressing things you come across on the web", I thought this was as good a place as any for this little bit of creepiness.
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YIKES!
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YIKES!
BLONDE JOKES
--------------------
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a
few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny
noises. My
co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss
might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked "What in
the name of f*cking good god are you doing?" I told
him I was a light
bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and
recuperate for a
couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
co-worker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where
do you think
you're going?"
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She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the
dark!
------------------------------
A brunette and a blonde plan to rob a bank. The brunette is the getaway driver and gives the blonde instructions on what to do. After a few minutes, she sees the blonde running out. Behind her she has a safe tied in rope and shes dragging it along. A man with his pants to his knees is also running after her. The brunette says, YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG
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I told you to tie the guard and blow the safe!
-----------------------
There were two blondes walking on a beach in California one night. One of them looks at the sky and says to the other, "Which do you figure is closer, florida or the moon?" The other blonde looked at her, and then said:
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"duh, can you see Florida from here?"
------------------
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-----------------------
A brunette is in the middle of a road. She is repeatedly saying "74" to herself as she walks back and forth along this road. A blonde happens to notice her and decides to call out...
"Why are you walking in the road and saying the number 74 over and over again?"
The brunette stops and replies. "It's fun!!! You try it." The blonde looks puzzled, but decides to give it a go, so she too walks around in the road sayin the number 74. Suddenly a truck drives along and hits the blonde, the brunette stops to look at the truck. She smiles and carries on...
"75, 75, 75....."
----------------
a brunette, a red head and a blonde are running from the cops from some sort of crime, they run down an alley way but find a dead end. they spot three big box's, one full of cats, one full of dogs and one full of potatoes. the brunette jumps in with the cats, the red head jumps in with the dogs and the blonde jumps into the one with potatoes. the cops run in and spot the three box's. they look into the one filled with cats and the brunette goes "meow" and the cops move on to the next box without noticing the brunette. the same happens to the red head when she goes "woof", so the cops move on to the next box, they open the lid and the blonde goes "potatoes"
----------------
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday!
--------------------
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a
few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny
noises. My
co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss
might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked "What in
the name of f*cking good god are you doing?" I told
him I was a light
bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and
recuperate for a
couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
co-worker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where
do you think
you're going?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the
dark!
------------------------------
A brunette and a blonde plan to rob a bank. The brunette is the getaway driver and gives the blonde instructions on what to do. After a few minutes, she sees the blonde running out. Behind her she has a safe tied in rope and shes dragging it along. A man with his pants to his knees is also running after her. The brunette says, YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
I told you to tie the guard and blow the safe!
-----------------------
There were two blondes walking on a beach in California one night. One of them looks at the sky and says to the other, "Which do you figure is closer, florida or the moon?" The other blonde looked at her, and then said:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"duh, can you see Florida from here?"
------------------
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-----------------------
A brunette is in the middle of a road. She is repeatedly saying "74" to herself as she walks back and forth along this road. A blonde happens to notice her and decides to call out...
"Why are you walking in the road and saying the number 74 over and over again?"
The brunette stops and replies. "It's fun!!! You try it." The blonde looks puzzled, but decides to give it a go, so she too walks around in the road sayin the number 74. Suddenly a truck drives along and hits the blonde, the brunette stops to look at the truck. She smiles and carries on...
"75, 75, 75....."
----------------
a brunette, a red head and a blonde are running from the cops from some sort of crime, they run down an alley way but find a dead end. they spot three big box's, one full of cats, one full of dogs and one full of potatoes. the brunette jumps in with the cats, the red head jumps in with the dogs and the blonde jumps into the one with potatoes. the cops run in and spot the three box's. they look into the one filled with cats and the brunette goes "meow" and the cops move on to the next box without noticing the brunette. the same happens to the red head when she goes "woof", so the cops move on to the next box, they open the lid and the blonde goes "potatoes"
----------------
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday!
GIRLS NIGHT OUT
--------------------------
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she wiped with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no
panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said. 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
--------------------------
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she wiped with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no
panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said. 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
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SIX AFFAIRS
----------------
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?! "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
----------------
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?! "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses ===============================
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [email protected]
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - [email protected]
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - [email protected]
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - [email protected]
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - [email protected]
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - [email protected]
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [email protected]
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - [email protected]
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - [email protected]
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - [email protected]
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses ===============================
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [email protected]
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - [email protected]
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - [email protected]
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - [email protected]
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - [email protected]
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - [email protected]
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [email protected]
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - [email protected]
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - [email protected]
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - [email protected]
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Sifl and Olly... brings back memories.
Sifl and Olly... brings back memories.
